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Ok here it is, the truth about getting older:

In some ways it stinks, and in some ways it’s beautiful. Now wasn’t that simple.

I find myself less tense about the petty stuff, but more worried about the brevity of the rest of my days. I find myself more sure about who I am and my gifts, but less sure about why in world I am still struggling to use my talents successfully. I find it easier to forgive most things, but harder to tolerate laziness and lack of motivation. I have more appreciation for life, but less physical strength to enjoy it fully. I find myself afraid of living less often, but afraid of dying more often. I am more responsible for my actions, but less certain why.  I talk to God more. I worry for my child more, because I know with a certainty that I won’t always be here. I love my mom and respect what she has been, and done, more than ever in my life, but I worry that my child may not feel the same way when the time comes. I see my mistakes more clearly, but realize there is absolutely nothing I can do about them. I have more physical pain, but I have less mental pain. I no longer care if I gain 5 pounds, but I do care about my cholesterol and blood sugar and blood pressure and my lumpy boobies.  I love my sisters and brothers more, but am sad that I can’t see them more often. I smile at sunsets and full moons and spring flowers. I cry at the same things. I am at the same time unimaginably glad to have been here and inexplicably sad to think of leaving before I have done all I wanted to do.

Oh my gosh… life is so strange. It’s kind of like a Rubik’s cube,, you can’t ever seem to get all the colors lined up at the same time.

I think that many of our fears are tied to Ego and Self and when we are able to do something for the glory of God somehow all the fear goes away. I will use the following little story about myself to illustrate.

When I was in 2nd grade we were studying Benjamin Franklin and since we were young, we were studying a made up story about how a mouse who lived with Benjamin Franklin was the true creator and not old Ben himself. Anyway, it was decided that the story would be a little performance at a parents meeting the next week. I loved the story and somehow was chosen to do the part. I practiced and practiced and practiced, I learned the story frontwards and backwards.

The big night came, and all of my family and the school were seated in the Auditorium. I was behind the curtain in the center of the stage waiting. I had on a cute little outfit and some mouse ears made out of a milk jug. It just so happened that my best friend was operating the curtain and she had never seen me in my little mouse ears so about the time she pulled the curtain back she saw me and…..

if you are familiar with little girls this age you can probably guess what happened. She began to giggle uncontrollably and as soon as she looked at me I started to giggle. This went on for what seemed like an eternity with me trying to compose myself, then looking at her and giggling. Finally, they took her off the stage and I was able to give a flawless performance and then run crying off the stage.

Ever since then, I have been mortified by ANY kind of public speaking or performance and I am a singer/songwriter and love the spoken word so this has been a great hindrance to me my whole life.

However, the very first time I actually performed for a reason other than my own selfish desires, the fear vanished.  I have come to realize that when we are doing things for the right reason, fear can’t stop us.

When the Purpose is clear, The fear disappears.

Did you ever attend church and feel like the entire service was directed at you?

Well that is the way I felt last Sunday. We did the most beautiful song in the choir. It was called bow the knee. I am pasting the lyrics below and you can find the song on Rhapsody or any of the music sources online.. you might find a version on You Tube but I haven’t tried… I will update you if I find it somewhere. The words are awesome!!! I found the lyrics at hymnlyrics.org

Fount it!!!!! Here is the link to a video on You Tube

Bow the Knee

There are times when circumstances make perfect sense to us,

As we try to understand each move He makes.

When the path grows dim and our questions have no answers, turn to Him.

*Bow the knee;

Trust the heart of your Father when the answer goes beyond what you can see.

Bow the knee;

Lift your eyes toward heaven and believe the One who holds eternity.

And when you don’t understand the purpose of His plan,

In the presence of the King, bow the knee.

There are days when clouds surround us, and the rain begins to fall,

The cold and lonely winds won’t cease to blow.

And there seems to be no reason for the suffering we feel;

We are tempted to believe God does not know.

When the storms arise, don’t forget we live by faith and not by sight.

I have been thinking a lot about my “one true friend” lately. I actually wrote a song about our relationship. I have added the lyrics below this post. I think we have lots of acquaintances and people we are close too and people who come and go in our lives, but I think sometimes there is that one special soul that you somehow find and connect with on such a deep level that it is almost supernatural. It has nothing to do with being the same except where it counts.. at the soul level. My friend and I are as different as day and night but at the core, at the heart, we are the same. I am even more thankful at this time in my life for that one true friend who loves me with all of my faults (and they are legion) and who will travel with me as we reinvent ourselves and adjust to our 50’s, 60’s, 70’s…..

It is with some hesitation on both our parts, that we move from one stage of our lives to the next, but I know without a doubt that we will make it together and we will be sitting on that front porch at the end of our lives, just like we planned.

We will talk about the year Obama was elected. We will talk about the old days with Nike (Just do it!). We will talk about American Idol. We will talk about Muffie and Odie; and my granddaughter; and goodwill trips; and Ex husbands…

I look forward to that time with my one true friend and all the time in between.

Listen to Song One True Friend

One True Friend

You see what nobody else can see

You believe all of my crazy dreams

Maybe we only get one

Maybe God just gives us one

And you are my one true friend

You are my one true friend

You feel every tear I cry

Stand by me on my darkest night

Maybe we only get one

Maybe God just gives us one

And you are my one true friend

You are my one true friend

I love you Joyce!!

Do trees worry about the state of the world and what is going on in it? Do trees stress over what to do with their lives? Do trees give a darn if the next tree over has prettier branches?

I think not. We could learn a lot from a tree.

I wonder how many times in my life I have sabotaged my      own happiness? It must have been thousands at least. It seems that anytime things get too cozy, I have to stir it up someway. I think this most likely comes from growing up with an alcoholic father. You are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess old habits are hard to break.

If you are always waiting for that bad thing to happen, then you can’t be caught off guard. You can’t be crushed by life’s big boulders if you are already looking up and hiding under something just in case.

I have tried very hard to overcome my propensity to be uneasy with happiness but I still find myself looking over my shoulder and feeling anxious when things actually seem to be going well for me.

Life is such a long journey of change and rethought and rebuild and tear down and revelation isn’t it?

I figure that about the time I am ready to leave, I will have some grasp of what it’s all about. What kind of sense does that make?

I have been thinking a lot lately about the power of prayer and whether or not God intervenes and I have come to the conclusion that I may never fully understand why God chooses to intervene sometimes and sometimes he doesn’t.

I know that I have learned there is a great difference between praying and asking for something and praying with faith. If we pray with faith, we truly believe that the thing we are asking for has already been done or is already in progress.

With my Mom’s cancer, I prayed harder than ever in my life and I focused on believing that the prayer was already answered. We had many people praying for her.

Yesterday we got the news that the cancer is localized and has not spread and that surgery will take care of it.

I choose to believe that our prayers helped and I wonder,,, would the cancer still be there at all if we were all able to, in agreement, pray in faith believing that it was already done!

Something to think about and work on when we pray.

OK.. my sunny disposition is at a low point. I just don’t get it. I hope that this finds someone who will engage in some dialogue. “The Big Why” for me is: Why do human beings struggle so? Is there ever going to be that moment in my life when I go… “YES” now I get it! I keep waiting for that magical epiphany that will make the muddy, grubby, foggy, smudgy, window of my life come clean.

Are we not suppose to understand? Are we not suppose to have some tiny sense of direction? Are we not suppose to have a clue?

Every single time I think that maybe, just maybe, I have a tiny bit of clarity, life does a whammy and I am confused again. I know I usually end my posts with some kind of conclusion but today, I don’t have one. Please help me!

I was reminded of these words from the Lord this weekend. As I visited a start-up church in Bryant, Ala. There were at most twenty people there and it was so powerful. I felt the presense of the Lord in every moment.

Sometimes we forget that churches have to begin somewhere, and it is important that we support these start-up ministries so that the church will grow. I felt God there and I know this church will do a good work in that community.

If you know of a start-up church in your area, visit them one Sunday and encourage others to do so. It is the Christian thing to do, and you never know what blessings you might encounter. God is there even when our numbers are few.

²⁰For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

The rain is pouring “metaphorically” speaking. Things are happening that at first glance might appear to be unhappy events. I am awestruck by the power of perception these days. It is all in how you look at things right? My mom has just been diagnosed with cancer,  and I have never seen her more positive. What’s up with that? I only aspire to be that positive in the face of my fear.

My recent return to the church has prompted some deep revelations, and there is a sense of comfort that has enveloped me since my “homecoming” that can’t be expressed with sheer words. I have a sense (most of the time) that all will be well no matter what, but sometimes,  like now,  when I fear for my mom (or actually for myself at the thought of losing my mom) all the old tapes play again and I forget….

That God is my Umbrella.

So let it rain!